Cycle 9 is a go!

 

 

 My body is still participating well in getting my chemo in time. All labs looked great so cycle 9 currently underway! 

When I get rest...

When I get rest... I can think straight.

When I get rest... I can remember my many appointments and the many questions I want to ask when I get there.

When I get rest... I can have the energy to clean the house.

When I get rest... I can make a piquant meal, or two  

When I get rest... I can be a wife to my husband and a friend to my family, friends, and coworkers.

When I get rest... I can feel like me.

Dose Reduction Revisited

  So, my initial feeling of having to do the 10% dose reduction of KADCYLA last infusion was a bit of defeat and fear. I wanted any and all cancer out, period, and initially thought I’d do anything to make that happen. 

 It was when my oncologist said “You’re 39 and we don’t want you to have to live with debilitating peripheral neuropathy for the rest of your life.” that it made sense, but still felt like a loss. 

 Fast forward to today. I am no longer dropping things and can feel my fingers. My toes are no longer aching and numb. In fact, all of the nerves in my body seem to be waking up. Parts of me I didn’t even remember having. It is life changing. 

 I suppose my perspective is now that we have dose reductions for a reason and needing one is not a failure, but just another option in this wild world of cancer. I’m thankful for the research completed to prevent it from being all or nothing (like my favorite go to cognitive distortion) and instead an option to continue treatment and still live my life. Allowing me to continue to live with cancer. 

Life Wheel

  I have been participating in a 9 week manualized Cancer Survivorship 101 class which is made available and free to those surviving cancer by A Time to Heal. Check out their Brain Fog, Cancer Survivorship for 45 or Younger, and Advanced/Chronic Cancer classes.

https://a.co/d/7Y08mIy

 We recently discussed balance in life and a few questions were posed.

• Are you happy with the relationships that you have?
• Are there areas of your physical health that need work?
• How is work going? Do you feel fulfilled?
• Do you have a sense of meaning in your life?
• Do you feel your feelings?
• What do you do for fun? Does this involve your creative side?

 In comes the life wheel. The life wheel has multiple variations but usually cover some combination of career, finance, personal growth, health, spirituality, recreation, love, and friends. The templates below use a scale from 1-5 or 0-100 to rate how you feel in each category so you can see how balanced your wheel is and identify areas that you would like to improve. You can also revel in the areas where you succeed. Enjoy the following templates if this is something that sounds like fun to do!

https://www.mindfulcoachingtools.com/free-tools/p/the-wheel-of-life

Another good printable option:

https://studentwellness.uci.edu/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/Assessing-Your-Life-Balance.pdf

Thor: Love and Thunder

  Has anyone noticed how many movies have storylines that include cancer? Deadpool, P.S. I Love You, The Bucket List, and Thor: Love and Thunder, the list goes on and on. In Thor: Love and Thunder, Jane Foster, Thor's true love, is sitting in chemo and says:

 Sound familiar anyone?

 It is amazing how often cancer is a main plotline that was overlooked or just accepted before, but now the synchronicity and reality of it all makes it all come more to life. These are real stories about *usually* made up people, but the true impact of their cancer diagnosis can be seen impacting all who surround them. Enjoy you some Ryan Reynolds now.

A Nasal Spray for your Eye Health?

  More updates on the eye front. My dry eyes aren't budging with all the things we've attempted up until now. Next step is Tyrvaya which is a new option and is a nasal spray, for your eye health! It works like this:

Things I didn't know:

 If Tyrvaya alone does not help fix me, our next step is Vital Tears. This is even more fascinating.

 You read that right... from my own blood!

 

Remember this whenever you’re in a position to help someone…

 

 I have been fortunate to be able to give back to my fellow cancer fighters as they have been patients of mine. Some have been fellow chemo mates and some have been new friends made when they came to seek care for other issues. 

 I have completed evaluations and fought the tears, just to have my fellow cancer fighter choose hospice care, at age 41.

 I have gone on the long run with a patient who couldn’t keep their blood pressure up but ensured they kept mobile enough to on that family vacation in one month. 

I’ve instilled enough confidence in a fellow cancer fighter that she could stand, even if it was the last time, because weeks later she would find out, through my inquiry, that she had a broken hip from a pathologic fracture.

 I helped my fellow cancer fighter who had so many mouth sores she couldn’t eat and so much diarrhea she couldn’t keep nutrients from what she could eat, all to get poop on my shoe when I helped her stand, even if it was for the last time. I didn’t give a care in the world in that moment and was fortunate to help her to transition to hospice care within a week. 

 I can’t forget these and never will. The hardest part is that there’s many more where this comes from, and age doesn’t care. 
 

Plot Twist

 

 I continue to fear not the unknown. The world is my oyster. 

Giving 100%

 

 This is a bit of a new concept for me. My tank was always overflowing and I never understood why others weren’t. Now I have learned to accept that my best is my best and when I give it my all, it is all I have to give. 

 It has also been different for me to not be able to do all the things and show up where I used to be able to. I feel I’m understood when this happens and know that:

 Feeling tired this go round. Perfect time for me to be transitioning into my new role. 

Dose Reduction

  I had to have a dose reduction starting today due to my peripheral neuropathy symptoms. My toes are numb yet painful and my fingers have intermittent numbness with difficulty performing fine motor tasks (think buttons, zippers, ketchup packets, etc). I’m considered a grade 2 at this time. I didn’t know there were grades until now. Don’t ignore your peripheral neuropathy symptoms. Tell your doctor what you’re experiencing so they can make the best call on your treatment. 

According to the WHO rating scale:

• Grade 0 corresponds to no symptoms of neuropathy
• Grade 1 corresponds to paresthesias (a tingling, tickling or prickling sensation) and/or decreased tendon reflexes
• Grade 2 corresponds to severe paresthesias and/or mild weakness
• Grade 3 corresponds to intolerable paresthesias and/or marked motor loss
• Grade 4 corresponds to paralysis.

Here it goes again - Cycle 8 is a go!

 

 Amusing video. Worth the watch but the fun “Here it goes again” chorus is from 0:42-0:58. 

 Quite tired this go. Feels different. Feels surreal. Not sure why but maybe because I’m an old hat at this. 

 Here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again, oh, here it goes again. 

Change and a new position

   An ancient Greek philosopher, Heraclitus, once said, “The only constant in life is change.” And here I go again. 

 I have given my return to full time physical therapy the ol’ college try, and from the wisdom of those who have been through similar situations as I, a part time gig is more manageable at this time, especially with ongoing chemo. I will remain a physical therapist and always keep my license, but I am shifting to a part time role as Patient Experience Champion. Some of you may recall that I did that job for a few years while I was director of rehab services but we have now made it a stand alone role. I look forward to working with our team and patients to provide the best patient experience possible. What better person than a healthcare professional and current patient to lead the way!?

 As for my inability to do the things I used to do right now:

 

I love my life

  I love my life. I accept that I have cancer, that my husband has Parkinson’s Disease, and that life doesn’t always go as planned. I am grateful I can do what I want, when I want, and that I live in a free country. I am thankful to have a beautiful family, supportive and loving parents, a sister who will drop everything in her own crazy life to ensure I’m supported and cared for, a husband who is humble and kind and the most loving human I know, and supportive coworkers who I am fortunate to call my friends, who keep me motivated and looking forward to every day. I’m here for it all.

Just “Whelmed”

 

 Imagine if whelmed was enough? I’m going to try it out and let ya’ll know. 

 I found this app that is free and lets you track your feelings  it also has guided tools if you want to explore the emotions more. I’m sure my therapist will be giddy about this!

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

And now for a funny - not sure why we're not smiling, but pretend we are!

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

Awards that do not exist

 To think I used to want to collect all of these awards. 

 I also used to be proud of having no baggage, but now I have a literal bag of things (medications, glasses, Clorox wipes, antibacterial hand wipes, masks, etc.) that I have to take everywhere. 

Feel the feels

 So I’m currently working on feeling the feelings. I’m a doer and a problem solver so when something comes up, I get to work rather than wallow. The catch is that a cancer diagnosis and all that goes with it requires processing grief and the various feelings that go with that. It has come up in the Cancer Survivorship 101 class I’m taking and in therapy sessions, so it must be legit. 🤷

 This emotions list helped me to define emotions felt at various times. Maybe it can help you. 

 I feel I am processing my feelings, I just don’t do so externally, so that’s what I’m told to work on. Apparently others need to share in this myriad of feelings cancer and treatments have brought upon me. Best of luck to you all. 

 

 It’s ok to feel.