One Day at a Time

 I came across a great post on Pinterest titled "I had Cancer & This is What I Needed". There is no "how-to" book on this and just like you, I'm:

I found her points clear and helpful as we navigate these waters together. I appreciate everyone's support and want to ensure you're as supported as I am, as this is a two-way relationship and we're all going through our side of it whether we like it or not. Here are some thoughts from a fellow 30ish year old breast cancer survivor who then found herself being the caregiver/friend not even 2 years after her recovery for her not even 30 year old friend:

1. Do not say “it’s all going to be okay.”  Unless you are a fortune teller, you don’t know this to be the truth, so stay away from it.  It’s the first thing you will think of – I thought it too, but it’s not helpful, I am sorry to say.  
2. Be yourself.  The reason you are in this person’s life is because they love you for you.  Don’t try to suddenly be the person you think they need because they are fighting cancer.  Stay true to yourself. Trust me, this makes the fight easier for them…and for you.
3. Treat them to something they love.  I am not saying go out and buy them the world, but if they like to read, get the newest bestseller, if they like chocolate, buy them a sweet treat, etc.  If they enjoy writing or journaling, buy them something beautiful to write in like the Love Heals journal. You get the idea. *** Some of my go-tos so far are my metal stone that says "One Day at a Time" sent by an amazing friend in Idaho, a soup care package from Spoonful of Comfort from my mother-in-law that filled our tummies with delicious homemade chicken and rice soup, a beautiful sage cardigan that is a hug any time I put it on from my two coworkers/friends, and my amethyst bracelet handmade by a coworker/friend's daughter who is a major hustler and sold it to me for $10 (instead of $5) because she only needed $10 to get the item in the gift shop she really wanted. Her mom was proud and embarrassed. I was just proud of the little entrepreneur and happy to pay $10 to see her smiling face achieve her financial goal! ***
4. Laugh with them.  I latched onto humor like it was a lifesaver.  I made fun of everything from my bald head, to my forgetful mind (thank you chemo.)  Follow the person’s lead here, but if they open up the door to laughter and humor, play along.  It will help them and you too.
5. Don’t run.  It seems like a safe place to just run from them because you don’t know what to say or do.  I don’t suggest this. It tells them you don’t care. Just because you don’t feel like you have the absolute perfect words to share about cancer, so what?  Be a part of their life like the friend or family member you have always been to them. Trust me, they will want things as normal as possible.
   
6. Stay away from “motivational” cancer stories and verbiage.  This is hard to explain, but as I was going through treatment, I didn’t want to hear about “new normal” and I am just going to “have to deal with the changes in my life.”  I hated all that. I hated hearing “you can’t get your old life back.” I am super well aware. However, at the time, it felt good just to get those words out. Don’t try to sugar coat the situation.
7. Let the person grieve. This ties into point 6.  Don’t be “Suzy Sunshine” every time you hear them talk about being scared, sad, fearful, etc.  Let them speak it!! They are going through potentially one of the worst moments in their life and they are scared out of their minds.  Telling them not to think the horrible thoughts that they are fearful of dying is not helpful. You may not want to hear it and they surely don’t want to say it, but it’s there and it’s in their mind.  Let them speak it.
8. Ask questions.  Feel out what the person is willing or not willing to share.  I appreciated it when people wanted to know what was happening, how I felt, how the treatment was going, etc.  I had no problem chatting about it. See where this goes. Some people will be open to share and some won’t. Both are just fine.
9. Do not share stories of unhappy endings.  I feel this is obvious, but you would be surprised.  I always got one or two of the “my friend had cancer too, but….she died.”  Not helpful. Nothing else necessary to say here.
10. Talk about the happenings in your life too.  I literally hated when people refused to tell me about their day to day lives.  They would say “oh you have so much worse things happening than hearing about how my car broke down.”  No no!! I LOVED to hear about everyone’s daily lives. It made me feel normal and sane. Trust me on this one.

One Day at a Time.