I had an epiphany this morning that I've entered the anger stage of grief. I joked with my sister that I’m either angry about my cancer or angry that it’s all clear liquid day for my colonoscopy tomorrow (remember to get your screenings people!)
No really, it’s my cancer and more specifically, my cancer treatments and how they make me feel. And I’m not angry that my whole life changed. Some of it is good as you’ll hear in all these types of quotes:
For me it’s the loss of my energy, my inability to carry on conversations with others because I have no energy to give, and my brain fog that makes it impossible to think sometimes. It feels interminable (thanks for that word, Dad). But honestly, there's nothing better than your therapist celebrating that you're angry. For her, it was the accomplishment of me being able to name and feel my emotions (remember, feel the feels) and realize I was still (and should be) on the five stages of grief spectrum.
One important part to remember is that these are not necessarily sequential, meaning denial, then anger, then bargaining, then depression, then acceptance. Instead, they can be all mixed around or even two at once. Yippeee! All I know is I'm angry, and for good reason. The parts of me that made me feel alive and even me were my energy and my mental clarity. Chemo, radiation, and tamoxifen have ripped it from my grips and laugh in my face daily. That pisses me off. Interestingly enough, naming my anger today gave me energy and got me out of my Groundhog's Day rut. Seize the day! I'm just hoping I have a few more of these days in a row this time and not just a one and done.
So here I am:
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