February 27, 1985

  What happened on February 27, 1985 besides this classic being #1?

 I was BORN! Happy 40th birthday to me! Thanks parents! Here’s to my 40’s being kinder to me than my 30’s.

 Have the best day ever everyone!

Therapy is strength

  Mental health stigmas are rampant and should be put to rest. Seeking mental wellness should never be looked down upon. One doesn’t have to be the extremes of mental illness to seek therapy as an avenue to navigate thoughts and feelings of an event or situation in their lives. 

 In my life, I have had two therapists. The first one I interviewed and she sent me NPR recordings of her work. I chose her and it was a great fit. She was a Psy.D which is a Doctor of Psychology and is a licensed clinical psychologist. She was what I needed at the time and although we only needed a few sessions, she was essential to my ability to move on from my experience. 

 I am now seeing and LCSW which is a licensed clinical social worker. Better yet, she is a cancer sister. This helped to make my decision on her being my therapist as someone who could truly understand what I was going through. I find it important to find the right therapist for you and to not be afraid to try a few out until you find the right one. 

 I’ve often thought, why can’t I just talk to my friends instead of a therapist? There are benefits to both but here’s why:

 Finally, therapy isn’t just talking to someone about your problems, it is much more:

 

Encouraging my cancer sisters and brothers

  I can across this graphic that extends the feelings one might go through with any cancer (in my opinion), beyond the stages of grief: 

 While I can see why these are in this particular order, just as the stages of grief, these emotions can be experienced out of order or simultaneously. I find myself on both sides (and the middle) of this spectrum experiencing numbness before I was able to name anger, anxiety, and depression, but have always had fight, positivity, courage and the purpose of my blog, encouraging my cancer sisters and brothers. 

Anger

I had an epiphany this morning that I've entered the anger stage of grief. I joked with my sister that I’m either angry about my cancer or angry that it’s all clear liquid day for my colonoscopy tomorrow (remember to get your screenings people!)

No really, it’s my cancer and more specifically, my cancer treatments and how they make me feel. And I’m not angry that my whole life changed. Some of it is good as you’ll hear in all these types of quotes:

 For me it’s the loss of my energy, my inability to carry on conversations with others because I have no energy to give, and my brain fog that makes it impossible to think sometimes. It feels interminable (thanks for that word, Dad). But honestly, there's nothing better than your therapist celebrating that you're angry. For her, it was the accomplishment of me being able to name and feel my emotions (remember, feel the feels) and realize I was still (and should be) on the five stages of grief spectrum.

 One important part to remember is that these are not necessarily sequential, meaning denial, then anger, then bargaining, then depression, then acceptance. Instead, they can be all mixed around or even two at once. Yippeee! All I know is I'm angry, and for good reason. The parts of me that made me feel alive and even me were my energy and my mental clarity. Chemo, radiation, and tamoxifen have ripped it from my grips and laugh in my face daily. That pisses me off. Interestingly enough, naming my anger today gave me energy and got me out of my Groundhog's Day rut. Seize the day! I'm just hoping I have a few more of these days in a row this time and not just a one and done.

 So here I am:

 Don't mind me.

  

Results

  I was able to receive my results from my endometrial biopsy which revealed NO CANCER! Woo hoo! That being said, I don't need my ovaries or uterus any more so I'll be having a hysterectomy in late March. I suspect I will change from tamoxifen to an aromatase inhibitor at that time as well which would be a good thing. I had previously written a post about how minor tamoxifen side effects were but I do feel it is adding to my brain fog, joint pain, and overall fatigue levels.

 Other than that, hair is growing and I'm plugging along working part time. Keep sending energy my way and I'll return the favor, when I can.

Reminders

  Resting today to get ready for the week.

Cancer Emotions

 

Cycle 11 is a go!

Staying on schedule with my chemo. 11 of 14 today! A major success will be to keep on schedule for ALL of my cycles. So far I have and it would be amazing if it continues. Something you don’t know unless you’re in the infusion room is how many people don’t get to have their infusions due to poor labs or situations that don’t jive with their treatment. I’ve been fortunate to date and plan on keeping it going!

  

Scanxiety Take Two

  I have posted about scanxiety before, but I recently attended a webinar by A Time to Heal that elaborated on this topic. The psychologist who presented made the point that:

• Scanxiety is a colloquial/informal term usually referring to:
• Fear of cancer recurrence or
• Fear of cancer progression
• Anxiety about the results, implications, and ongoing uncertainty about the future
• Not necessarily about the scan itself

 The definition I provided prior is:

 High and Unhelpful Scanxiety can lead to:

• Lower quality of life
• More limitations by physical issues
• Higher perceived stress
• Higher rates of depression
• Higher rates of anxiety
• Difficulty in relationships

 The Paradox of Anxiety

It is helpful for:

• acute stressors (immediate physical threats)
• controllable stressors

It is unhelpful for:

• stressors that last > 10 minutes
• uncontrollable stressors

Bottom line, it's fight or flight. While fight or flight is essential to our survival and a normal response, prolonged exposure to that state can be unhealthy and increase stress levels.

 All this to say that a CT scan I received in November 2024 for some right lower abdominal pain showed some findings on my left lower lung and warranted a repeated CT scan of my chest. I like to admit that I tend to be very calm around times like these as knowing is better than not knowing, so I don't tend to become extra anxious (beyond my normal axiety). When I do become anxious is when these scans continue to find new things that could show progression of or recurrence of cancer. Those findings revealed:

• Mild posttreatment fibrotic change of the anterior left upper lobe of lung (from radiation)
• Skin thickening of left chest wall (from radiation)
• Recommend clinical evaluation for the potential for inflammatory breast cancer

Are you kidding me!? I have yet to hear from my physician to make a determination on if this is warranted or not, but talk about the definition of scanxiety, even if you're able to keep your cool prior to the scan.

 I'm also waiting on my biopsy results from my endometrial biopsy, but my lab results of my follicle stimulating hormone indicated I kicked out of menopause and back to normal cycle, which could account for my symptoms. This isn't cool either since we need my ovaries to NOT be producing estrogen or progesterone.

 A refresher for those who remember health class:

Now, how to manage scanxiety:

• Anticipate Anxiety
• Expected triggers
• Upcoming appointments/scans
• Waiting for results
• Anniversary of diagnoses, treatments, etc
• Social gatherings, positive events, holidays
• Unexpected triggers
• New or worsening physical symptoms / pains
• Random reminders (e.g., commercials, billboards, hearing of someone else’s diagnosis, learning someone passed)
• Social gatherings, positive 
• Preparing to respond
• To expected triggers
• Plan for distraction & relaxation
• Remind yourself what you can and can’t control
• Remind yourself that anxiety is trying to be helpful
• When seeing family/friends who will ask about your health, have a "canned response” and remind yourself they are asking because they care
• To unexpected triggers
• Have your ‘break-glass-in-case-of-anxiety’ plan
• Relaxation, deep breathing, jot down worries, call a friend, etc.
• Reminder that anxiety occurs because 1) you are alive and 2) you care about your health
• Preventing can be more helpful than reacting
  
  
• 
  

It’s okay

 

Reframing

  Last year, when I started chemo on January 29th, I had the bright idea to book a Disney Cruise for the family that set sail on January 29, 2025. Unintentionally, I was reframing what might be the most terrifying day of my life with a new memory. One of love and family and sun and beaches, not cancer and chemo treatments. It also gave me something to look forward to and plan, a welcome distraction from the past year. 

 Reframing a date in time can help you change your perspective on a specific date, by looking at it from a different angle or replacing a lesser good memory with a new gooder (that one’s for you Mom) one. 

 We started in Cape Canaveral and then got on the ship and went to Nassau, Bahamas and Lookout Cay, Disney’s private Bahamian island. I was the only one who didn’t get sunburned and I’m proud of that! It was epic and exhausting, all at the same time. 

 I even got to see my Aunt Becky on the trip which was amazing since I got this fortune days before we left. 

 Killing all the birds with one stone is so my style. It’s so good to be home.