Arm A - Verzenio Alone

 

 Well I do, and I will.

 Disclaimer: The third photo down is a photo of my bone marrow aspirate. If you do not want to see it, either stop reading now or plan to skip ahead to the text only.

Me lying on my stomach with bone marrow being pulled into the tube. That is a 9/10 pain my friends. I found deep breathing and humming worked this time. Humming stimulates your vagus nerve through physical vibrations in the throat and vocal cords, which can help reduce pain by shifting the body into a relaxed state. 

 After a long day at UPenn, it was revealed that I would be in Arm A of the study which is Verzenio (abemaciclib) alone. No hydroxychloroquine. While I prepped myself for this, my emotions got the better part of me. 

 I guess therapy did help. I sure am feeling all the feelings. I can tell this is not what people are used to from me by the reactions I'm getting, and that is OK. 

 
 Apparently it is completely normal to feel disappointment, frustration, anxiety, or even altruism when you're randomized into the arm that has been shown to be "lesser" or less effective than the other. Now it is important to remember that the only research we have to date was on mice, and humans aren't mice, so it is not a 1:1 correlation on expected outcomes. That is why I'm here in the first place. 

From Google AI:

• "Disappointment: You had hoped the experimental drug would cure or improve your condition right away.
• Frustration: It feels unfair to miss out on a new treatment just by the luck of a random draw.
• Anxiety: You might worry that your health will not improve or that you are wasting time.
• Altruism: You may still feel proud that your participation helps researchers find answers for future patients."

 This is reality my friends. Things hurt, even when you plan for them not to. I will turn this frown upside down and get back to my more optimistic mindset, but being the realist's optimistic view of cancer, I had to show it all.

 Can't wait to get home to Alaska.